Talking with boys

The Globe and Mail of Monday March 23th contains an important column by Anthony Wolf in its Life section. Unfortunately, this article does not seem to appear online, so let me tell you a bit about it. Maybe it is not too late for you to track down a copy of the paper and read the full article.

Wolf is a clinical psychologist who is worried about boys abusing their girlfriends and wants parents to talk to them about this. He makes the point that, while most teenage boys are not abusive, many are. He writes:

“How can you know whether your teenage son is abusive, or potentially abusive with women? You can’t. That’s why it’s important for you to talk outright with your son. . .”

Wolf’s essential argument is that even though most boys are not abusive, many “really do not know which behaviours are acceptable and which are completely unacceptable. Nor do they connect these behaviours with the word abuse, which they should.”

He provides a sample script for parents who are unsure how to chart these waters, and it is good. It contains non-judgmental language like: “I’m not saying that I think you will or that you do [abuse girls],” which creates the opportunity for an open conversation minus the defensiveness that so many teenagers display whenever parents try to talk to them about anything.

And he does not just talk about physical violence; he takes on possessive and controlling behaviour too: “They [abusive boys] constantly want to know where their girlfriend is. Usually they do this by calling or texting many times during the day or night. They don’t want their girlfriend to hang out with friends on their own. . . They give them orders as to what they should wear. They subject girls to verbal put-downs.”

He also makes it clear that no behaviour on the part of the girl, no matter how “aggravating and nasty” it might be, excuses abuse by the boy. “No matter what they do to you, women never deserve to be abused. What you can do instead is leave or end the relationship.”

Hats off to Anthony Wolf for reminding parents of their responsibility to ensure that their sons hear these important messages.